I Don’t Need to Write Anymore

After I finished language school, I filled my time with writing. I connected with a writer online who encouraged me and showed me some ways to get started with writing for websites and other publications. It was thrilling. I was in over my head, but I was learning each day.

I didn’t recognize this endeavor for what it was at the time. It was an effort to validate me. My formal language training had ended, and while I did spend time chatting with my friends and neighbors, it all felt sort of empty.

I had employed a nanny while I was studying language, and I did not feel right about sending her back home without a job. So I spent a couple hours each day out of her hair while she played with my baby boy, dressed him, and put him down for a nap. By this time, he seemed to prefer her over me when she was there, so I would hide out in my bedroom and write for a little bit of time each day. I didn’t know what else to do.

I felt unneeded, unnecessary, and generally lonely and isolated. Writing helped. I needed it.

I’m thankful for the friend that writing was to me during that time in my life, but I am also thankful that God has abundantly blessed me with various ministry opportunities since that time. I spend a few days each week with unbelievers in my neighborhood, and I spend the other days catching up on the cleaning, cooking, and shopping I’ve neglected. We are busy with our church plant and spending time with those that God has graciously brought into our congregation.

When my kids get home from school, I am not distracted by the urge to write. I’m ready to be with them. I don’t feel bogged down by play time. I welcome it at the end of the day when my babies have been away from me all day. When they give in to slumber, I am available to my husband untethered to deadlines or schedules. The desire to write is ever present, but it feels less and less like a need as time goes on. My goals have not changed, but my priorities have.

All the things God has given me to do for His glory don’t whisper worth to my soul anymore like writing once did. I’m certain Christ is pleased with me because I am his child and he is my ABBA FATHER — My daddy. While I’ll never truly be worthy of the sacrifice He has made for me, I find great comfort in His great love for me.

He is my closest friend, generous in giving good things. Writing is one of them, but it does not define me anymore. It adds value to my life, but it does not give me value. When weeks pass without writing, I am not a dusty, unused vessel, I am a cherished treasure of God.

I’m not done writing. Not even close, but I am done needing to do it.

A Personal Pep-Talk from the Pages of my Journal

I had to give myself a pep-talk yesterday. In a matter of days, I had gone from a moment of great victory to the depths of defeat — but only in my mind. I was certain that I had no one who cared for me and no purpose in my life in this country. Saying it now, it feels so silly.

Tears stung my eyes as I walked home from dropping my son off at pre-school. I already feel like the crazy foreigner when I’m not balling my eyes out while walking down the road, so I tried to keep my composure until I reached my gate.  I retreated to my room with my Bible, notebook, and pen. I picked up where I left off in Philippians, and I came to chapter 4. I’ve read it countless times, but I knew I needed its truth in a new way. I paraphrased it into a motivational speech for myself.

I imagine I’m not the only one who needs to hear it today, so I share it with you now — prayerfully, as it feels so raw and personal. I trust this vulnerability is not in vain, and this message will reach someone who will benefit from it today.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 

First of all, God grabbed me with this — God is all about granting me His peace, but I have a part in maintaining it with prayer, supplication, and thanksgiving. I have to hold onto Him with all I’ve got when the darkness creeps in and the enemy claims territory in my mind. My focus must remain on Christ as I trust Him to transform my thinking.

I ask Him to change things according to His will, but first I ask Him to change me. In order to facilitate this change, I must order my thoughts according to the truths of Scripture. Guidance for this step of this transformative process comes in the next verse:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.


6 Things to Think about when I Need God’s Peace

When I need God’s peace, I think on things that are…
True

Think about God (duh!). Think on the precious truths of His Word which say you are loved and accepted in spite of you. Your God is good and loves you perfectly. Absolutely nothing changes that.

Honest

Think about the brevity of life in a way that frees you from bondage to the present. Live in light of eternity, saying “no” to the things that feed your flesh and “yes” to the things that build the kingdom of God.

Just

Think of your holy, perfect God and how He empowers you to be like Him on a small scale. Surely, this is an enormous gift. Steward it by striving to be like Him in every way you can.

Pure

Think of how you have been made pure, and live like the righteous being you have been made to be. Refuse to let the world mar our muddy your re-made reputation.

Lovely

Think always on Jesus and on His sacrifice at Calvary. Dwell on the precious gifts He gives each day.

Good Report

Think about what’s good about this day and this moment. Choose to see it in every situation and believe the best about others. 

Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Finally…

Do what you know to do and leave the rest in the capable hands of Christ. Let His peace rule in your heart and dictate your steps. Change your stinking thinking and be conformed to the image of Christ. It’s all good.


And that was it. Simple enough but stirring, too. It wasn’t an immediate fix but rather a goal for which I must keep striving. The tears continued to fall, and I cried out to the Lord who knows and understands my heart better than I do. I asked Him to change things, but even more, I asked Him to change me.

Today, I am running my thoughts through the Scriptural filter of Philippians 4 and recognizing these unwelcome words for what they are — lies. Today, I am certain I am cared for, and my purpose is renewed.

All thanks to a little pep-talk I didn’t want to hear but knew I needed. Sure beats a pity-party.

 

At the End of the Day, Rest is Best [day 31: rest]

Rest seems to be a theme I keep coming back to.  Even before I began writing this series,  Dream Big, Celebrate Small, I used — and maybe overused– this word in many of my posts and personal writings. By nature, I’m a striver or doer, yet I’m rarely satisfied with what I get done in a day. God has used my time in this country where it can be time-consuming and taxing to accomplish small tasks to teach me to slow down and rest.

But this doesn’t mean I throw on my robe and slippers and retire to my couch at 10 am. Resting in the work of the Lord doesn’t alleviate me from doing the work of dreaming big and celebrating small. Resting in Him means I do all I can and know to do and leave the rest to Him.

When I rest in Him, I still show up and chase my big dreams in marriage, motherhood, and missional living, but I do it all knowing He’s ready for me when I need a soft place to land. And when I do crash into His care, I know there’s no judgment there. I am heir to His righteousness, a co-laborer with Him, and a victor just because He’s won my heart with His great love.

I can rest in Him when good work gives way to weariness. I can rest in Him when discouragement knocks me off my feet. I can rest in Him when those that wish to derail my efforts to serve Him well succeed in their attempts. I can rest in Him all day, every day as I labor and lead this wild life He’s called me to live out for His glory. The work He does in my marriage, family, and ministry doesn’t stop when I do because our mighty God is at work around the clock in every time zone.

All that in mind, it’s clear to me — rest is best when it’s in His hands.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  Matthew 11:28-29

How can you rest in Him today?

Talk to me in the comment section below!

Each Piece of Me is Connected by Divine Design [day 28: connect]

My marriage, family, work, relationships, and personal life are not contained in separate boxes to be pulled out at the appropriate time and given attention only in its specified slot. No, each aspect of my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical states are all connected by God’s intricate design. As much as I want to keep them separate, my work and family life will inevitably collide. My marriage will be impacted by cultural stressors as red flags are thrown up from deep within my soul signaling there’s something amiss. I will ask of my friends and family for things only my loving Father can provide. I’ll make a mess in one area of my life that spills over into what was once immaculate in another. And as unfair as it seems, the sins of others will destroy parts of my life I’ve labored to build up. Because it’s all connected.

This fact can either cause me to be extremely hopeful or terribly hopeless. Discouragement in one area of my life can bleed into all others. But in the same way, spiritual health as I walk with God has a positive affect on the health of my whole being, and I really believe that this concept of celebrating small is key in this holistic self-care.

My identity in Christ is manifested in my marriage, family, work, and relationships. At the church where we studied missions, this was called the “be” level. Before we can serve the Lord and bear fruit for Him, we have to make sure things are as they should be on this level. Here, we spend time with Jesus, giving Him full reign to convict and change us according to His will. In the quiet spaces where we reveal our true selves before the Father and relinquish control over each aspect of our lives, we can see His plans unfold before us. And while His plans for us are holistic in nature — good for each part of my life and for the greater good — it can be hard to glimpse just how this can be.

But I trust Him because He is good and has proven Himself to be nothing but faithful. As He cares for me in the quiet spaces, it seems like only a small part of the puzzle. But this is the foundation of it all — my relationship with God and my life surrendered to a Holy God are what the rest of it is built upon. He is the vine, and I am just a branch, rooted and grounded in Him. He ordains the sustenance and sustaining of each intricate part of me. He is not unaware of each instance’s implications as they flow through the circuitry of a complex system of interconnected pieces of me. He is in control of it all when I feel I have no control at all.

A Holy God is invested in the health of my whole self, and I am nothing short of amazed by that. As I connect with the Life Giver each day, I can celebrate small, knowing He is working for my good. He sees and manages the ripple effects I could only guess at and He manipulates it for His glory. I may not see how any of it was good beyond the “be” level because my perspective is limited, but my Father knows no limitations. I’ll sit with Him here, alone in the quiet spaces where I can just be me. I rest in Him while He works to connect the dots of disarray in my life.

How is your “be” level?

Talk to me in the comment section below!

 

 

A Daily Choice: Dread or Dreams for the Day Ahead [day 25: because]

Whether it’s an overwhelming workload or a dull day ahead, I start a lot of days defeated. Deep sighs and unwarranted resentments fill the crisp morning air. I have found it is near impossible to face these days without first spending time with Jesus. I’m so thankful when He turns my morning around and grants me a good start.

It is most helpful for me to focus on the person of Jesus or the goodness of God before little feet tip-toe in my room to turn my quiet time into angry cries for food. Before the chaos begins, I grasp for Scriptures which inspire me to revel in just how wonderful He is. Eyes on His attributes, I am empowered to face whatever the day holds — not because of who I am or what I can do but because of Who He is and what He can do.

Instead of dread, I wake with hopeful expectation of what the Lord will do in a day’s time. Even more than my morning cup of coffee, I crave His favor and anticipate His intimate involvement in the unfolding of my day whether it proceeds with ticking off to-dos or twiddling my thumbs.

Like the Psalmist David, I can say,

Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.
Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name.
My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips:
When I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches.
Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice.
My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me.

Psalm 63:3-8

I’ll celebrate small today — not because my health is good or my kids behave — but because His lovingkindness is better than life. Because He is my help in however it hits the fan. Because He holds me above the days I dread and allows me to dream big dreams and live each day for Him — however small it seems.

How do you deal with dread?

Talk to me in the comment section below!