Putting my Fears in God’s Hands [Day 2: AFRAID]

For the first year of our service overseas, I was afraid to visit the local shops. It was all so overwhelming to me. I look back now and laugh because I probably could have gotten most of what I needed by pointing and speaking English. Back then I thought  I had to speak Nepali 100% of the time. The problem at that time was I barely knew any!

I was afraid to seem ignorant or to overpay due to my ignorance. But mainly I was afraid to have to talk to anyone. God had given us a heart for the souls of these people but not a manual on how to connect with them. While I longed to establish friendships and the sense of belonging they provide, I could not get over my fears. We did most of our shopping at the supermarket, and if we needed anything locally I would send my son’s nanny.

My language has improved over the years, but my confidence to connect with local people ebbs and flows. I’ve carved out a shopping route in several different directions from my son’s school. I walk and talk my whole way home most days. I have a few friends I visit and drink way too many cups of chai with. The fears of feeling awkward, ignorant, or misunderstood are ever-present but thankfully, so is the Lord and His ability to transcend all barriers and bridge all gaps. When my fears are realized and my feelings are hurt, the comfort floods in faster than the fears ever could. He reminds me that the work of crossing cultures and connecting with people is worthy work because He is worthy, and I am never a step away from the love that casts out fear (1 Jn. 4:18).

Photo by Kelly Rockhold Photography

One day, a shopkeeper called me over to ask me some questions about our beliefs. I was so thankful that God provided strength to overcome my fears and insecurities to stop and chat with her on several other occasions. Each moment I had handed my fears over to the Lord lead to a wide open door to share the Gospel. While I did not see tremendous growth in her understanding of the Gospel that day, I trust that the Lord will work in her heart and give her more opportunities to learn of Him. I pray that the door will remain open to continue to share with her and with others as I fling my fears into His care (1 Pet. 5:7).

And when I stop to buy yogurt a few shops over, I will forever feel giddy when I ask the sweet lady there how she is doing and she replies, “I’m blessed now by seeing you!” And to think I would have missed all these wonderful blessings if I had continued to allow my fears to trump my faith. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is surrender.

I “make” God big when I surrender my fears to Him, allowing Him to provide the strength and courage I need to love and minister to others.

What fears has God allowed you to overcome in service to Him?

Talk to me in the comment section below!

 

 

Courage to Live a Quiet Life

We don’t travel to the post office in the middle of the city much, but when we do, I can count on a few greeting cards for the last few holidays (significant or not) from two of our supporting churches who regularly send us notes of encouragement. More often than not, there is also a postmarked gift of love all the way from Middletown, Ohio. I smile while I read over the small, formerly blank card scripted in perfect penmanship with nothing but Scriptures to encourage my soul. There are very few words other than an “I love you” or “God bless you” — the sweet woman of God lets the Word of God speak for itself. I am always amazed at how spot on some of the chosen passages are for what I am currently dealing with in life or ministry.

I picture this precious silver-haired lady who spent what should have been her child-free moments when her own were at school caring for me as a baby and long into my childhood. She always reminded me when I complained about any particular set of circumstances that, “Some days are like that.” Her TV tray always had an open Bible, notebooks, and note cards at the ready except for when she loaned it to me to color on while putting the time in potty-training. I didn’t know then how special these things were.

I’ve been thinking lately how, all my life, the women I have admired the most were those quietly serving Jesus in their corner of the world without fanfare or even recognition most of the time. I saw the depth of their character ooze out in small bits of Sunday school lessons and crockpot hospitality. I was encouraged by faithfulness exemplified in folded arms cradling feverish babies and stolen opportunities for sharing the Good News. I greatly admire the Nancy Leigh DeMosses and the Katie Majors of the world who steward large ministries in incredible ways, but there is something particularly moving about the unrecognized saints quietly doing the Lord’s work wherever their daily paths take them.

My desires to love big and serve God with my life are clearly not wrong desires, but I so often long for them on a scale that may be beyond what God has for me. Can I be content with my quiet life while also preparing my heart for whatever else He has for me?

These desires are from God, and I must allow Him to be Lord over them just like the rest of my life. Whether He ever extends the borders of my sphere of influence is completely subject to His divine discretion. He will enable me to complete each tiny task or insurmountable agenda through His power alone, and I must train myself to be thankful for each and every good work He springs up in my life.

As I advance in age, I hope I lose any ambition to be something other than smitten with the Savior. I pray I’ll have the courage to quietly tend to the work He has given me to do no matter how insignificant it may seem when stacked against what someone else may be doing. And I hope if there is some younger gal looking into my less-than-mind-blowing life, she will be inspired to glorify God in her own quietly faithful way.

We can teach and clean and care and serve until God takes us home to begin our full-time worship. Because we know and trust Him, we can be sure He will tell us, “Well done” for our faithfulness on a small scale. When He does, all we will be able to say is, “You’ve done great things.”

 

 

Cold Coffee Confessions

It’s no secret that I’ve gone silent on my blog for quite some time. I’ve been thankfully and happily busy in life with my crazy clan and our adventurous interns/downstairs neighbors. As we host these two, I think back often on the time I spent being  downstairs neighbors to a family of seven some time ago in that musty, unfinished basement (that we loved!) on Spot Road, and I am trying to be half of the considerate and sweet friend my neighbor was to me.

While I haven’t been showing up here often to share with you what in the world is going on on my side of the world, I will tell you that God has been faithful. We have experienced both great victories and defeats like I never imagined would touch us. The events of our days and subsequent emotions are often hard to put into words that I want to bring before the world — or the few people that read my little blog, but you know what I mean.

If we were friends sitting down to a cup of coffee — preferably, iced because it is a billion degrees in my home as I write this — I would tell you that often sleep eludes me, and I lie awake wondering what the Master weaver could be working in our lives and ministries because it seems like nothing more than a blundered mess of good intentions and well-laid plans. I’d tell you how exhausting it is to plan and revise, dream and doubt, serve and surrender day after day after day.

I’d reveal to you that I have baked chocolate chip cookies when I knew of no other way to encourage my husband and offered them to him with a weak smile that said, “I know it doesn’t help, but I tried.” We’ve whispered, “I love yous” and held pinkies as he shifted gears in our Maruti sazuki jam-packed with our growing children and a few too many members of our growing church body. We’ve lost each other countless times amidst all that is marriage and ministry mingled together but have — by God’s grace — made our way back to each other every time.

I would tell you that the highs and lows of ministry are sometimes more than I can bear, and that the lines between work and life often get blurred. I would tell you that the mama bear comes out fierce and strong, and sometimes I am ashamed at the ways I don’t trust God with my children. I would tell you the million-and-one ways I’ve messed everything up yet God has redeemed every bit of it. At this point, I would hope you wouldn’t walk away in shock of all that I’ve revealed to you, and I would regret that I let it all out.

But if that’s what’s left at the end of this conversation on this imaginary coffee-date, then we have really missed it. I’ve said all that to only say that God is faithful — again. To encourage you and me that this life of service to God is worth it. To remind us that our Redeemer is still at work in our lives. I know this because in all the ways I’ve failed to live up to His standard in marriage, motherhood, and missional living, He has done a work in each of those areas. When I’m sailing through life and everything makes sense, He is good and He is faithful. When I’m struggling to pull myself out from under my sheets and just feed my kids, He is good and faithful. And all these things I struggle to juggle, He has given me to hold. They are gifts that sometimes make me want to pull my hair out, but they are precious just the same!

Don’t abandon your coffee, friend. I imagine you have your stories, too. I hope you’ll see in them that while things haven’t been perfect, they have had purpose. And, if you’re willing to admit you’ve failed, that He has been faithful.

Life is good, friend, and I am happy to share it with you.

Savoring the Secret Spaces

Five Minute Friday: SECRET

I do a considerable amount of social media sharing as well as blogging here as time and will permits. I post photos of my kids, and offer my opinions and thoughts on some topics — though I try to stay away from the most controversial ones. I have always considered myself an extrovert (though I would say that I have become content more and more with being at home either by myself or with my family). But my preference is still to be connected, caring and sharing, learning and loving together with others who love the Lord or those who are yet to meet Him. I also tend to be an over-sharer!

These days, however, I am learning to savor the secret moments with Jesus. I planned to share with you all my thoughts and feelings as the anniversary of Ezra’s delivery drew near. Instead, I prayed and cried and listened to worship music while reading my Bible and journaling all the surprising thoughts that came on the fifth anniversary. He comforted me, reminding me of the truths of His word and the hope of heaven we have because of His sacrifice. I felt treasured and loved, and that moment was all mine. It was sacred and secret and so incredibly sweet. Even telling you about it now steals away some of the beauty it seems.

Photo by João Silas on Unsplash

I didn’t get around to blogging out all the things that came up in my heart on that day or really any days of the last month or two. I’ve fallen behind on blogging publicly, but I have been writing for myself. I’ve been writing prayers and hopes and dreams in communion with my Savior who offers no judgment — only guidance and discernment dished out by a loving Father. I’m lapping it up in the secret spaces, so thankful for the moments that are all mine. My time with Him doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s or have to be perfectly filtered and framed to be precious. I don’t even have to share it because there’s always enough of Him to go around.

I’ve realized I have little to offer this internet world and all that can be said has likely already been said. But little is much in God’s kingdom, so I think I’ll keep coming back. I’ll share with you bits and pieces of what happens in the secret, sacred spaces. And I’ll always encourage you to find Jesus each and every day in the moments you get to keep as your own. Seek out that secret, sacred time with Him and don’t accept any lousy substitute. And don’t share it all either. Keep some of that sacred goodness for yourself. It will keep you coming back for more.

 

My Obedience, God’s Provision

Five Minute Friday: PROVIDE

Yesterday, I attended a parent-teacher conference at my daughter’s school. While we waited for it to begin, I walked around hand-in-hand with my little girl as she proudly showed me where she eats her lunch, plays with her friends, and sits in her class. We observed art and poems created by students, and I marveled at how many of them proclaimed the glory of God — mind you, we live in a Hindu country. In another place, I saw encouragement for teachers to love their students patiently and unconditionally while being lead in teaching by the Holy Spirit.

I stood there in awe of God’s provision. I wasn’t looking for this school when we moved to this area. Nor had I any knowledge of who God had waiting for us in the homes surrounding our church plant or the Gospel-needy neighbors who would soon become my friends. He has provided far for our family in far greater ways than I ever anticipated.

Photo by Aditya Saxena on Unsplash

What really amazes me about this — and it shouldn’t because it is a Biblical concept — is that when I wasn’t trying to put all my ducks in a row, God ordered my steps. My husband followed the Lord’s direction coupled with His provision to decide where to plant our church, and I just went along with it. Based on that, we picked a home knowing not much else than its general location and basic amenities. In what may be perceived at an almost naive level, we trusted God to take care of everything else. We could only do that — it was all too much for us to think about on our own.

Yet, how wonderful it has all turned out. Often, I wonder what may have happened if I tried to find the home or the school first and structure everything around my own misplaced priorities. How there would be a family without a church, a young man wanting to serve God with no training of godly influences, a young lady with no believing friends or family. I’m thankful for a real-life assurance that what the Bible teaches is true. When we structure our lives around building our God’s kingdom and live in reckless obedience, He is faithful to provide each and every one of our needs. Trust and obey. There’s no other way.

Following Jesus is the best life, friends. Don’t miss it while you’re chasing your dreams and building your kingdom. How many times I’ve made this mistake, and God has certainly been gracious — but I’ve seen the benefits first-hand now, and there is no going back.

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.    Matthew 6:31-33