Behind Closed Doors [Day 11: DOOR]

I shared yesterday about my identity crisis of sorts which occurred after my son began to attend pre-school. I suddenly found myself with time on my hands — which we know for a mom of young children is a strange feeling! While I’ve always preferred to be out and about or spending time with people, I found that a lot of my time was spent alone. I do have a sweet lady that comes to help me complete the never ending task of cleaning a home in a dusty country, but other than encounters with her and neighbors on my morning and afternoon walks, I had little interaction. More dangerously, I had little accountability.

No one knew how I was spending my day. No one would know what is happening behind closed doors. Thankfully, I had managed to cultivate my devotional and housework habits while my little ones were still home all day. I just found I got them done a lot faster now! I did love to linger in my Bible reading and sip my coffee in peace. But what would I do with the two or three remaining hours before I would go get my son?

Photo by Martin Adams on Unsplash
A new “to-do”

I created a new sort of to-do list to keep my thoughts and plans ordered. It only listed these things: read, write, rest, create, connect, care. I plan to do another post on exactly what each of these entails, but it kept me mainly focused on being in the word and keeping busy while also making time to take care of my body and practice hospitality. Otherwise, I know I would have had a daily date with Netflix. We actually canceled our subscription months ago. Each thing didn’t get accomplished every day, but my list kept me on task until my house filled up again in the afternoon. It also kept me available for my husband and children should they need me during the day. I wasn’t nailed down to some big plan every day, just a few little things that could be squeezed in here or there or rolled into the next day’s list if necessary.

Daily questions

Aside from the to-do list, there are questions I need to ask myself about what happens behind closed doors:

  • Is who I am in private who I am in public? Or what I would want people to perceive me to be?
  • Am I spending my time in idleness (looking at you, Instagram) or in a way that honors Christ?
  • Would I be comfortable with someone I am discipling seeing who I am behind closed doors — or looking at my internet history or mirroring my TV screen?
  • Does my alone time indulge my desires or lift up the needs of others?

As I ask myself these questions I keep Scriptures like this one in mind,

Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord come, who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts: and then shall every man have praise of God.

1 Corinthians 4:5

Time to grow

No one will probably praise me for staying home a few days of the week, but I know this is my training ground. I shared with you that my prayer is for my schedule to fill up with opportunities for discipleship and ministry. This does not mean that I should wander through this time aimlessly, but rather spend it intentionally. I should be seeking God and growing in my knowledge of Him. As I grow in the Word, I grow in my ability to lead others. I know the Lord will use this time in my life for the rest of my life and ministry.

For now, I want even my empty hours to honor Jesus.

I “make” God big in my life when I seek to honor Him in all the time He gives me — including my much longed for personal time.  

How can you honor Christ behind closed doors?

Talk to me in the comment section below!

Savoring the Secret Spaces

Five Minute Friday: SECRET

I do a considerable amount of social media sharing as well as blogging here as time and will permits. I post photos of my kids, and offer my opinions and thoughts on some topics — though I try to stay away from the most controversial ones. I have always considered myself an extrovert (though I would say that I have become content more and more with being at home either by myself or with my family). But my preference is still to be connected, caring and sharing, learning and loving together with others who love the Lord or those who are yet to meet Him. I also tend to be an over-sharer!

These days, however, I am learning to savor the secret moments with Jesus. I planned to share with you all my thoughts and feelings as the anniversary of Ezra’s delivery drew near. Instead, I prayed and cried and listened to worship music while reading my Bible and journaling all the surprising thoughts that came on the fifth anniversary. He comforted me, reminding me of the truths of His word and the hope of heaven we have because of His sacrifice. I felt treasured and loved, and that moment was all mine. It was sacred and secret and so incredibly sweet. Even telling you about it now steals away some of the beauty it seems.

Photo by João Silas on Unsplash

I didn’t get around to blogging out all the things that came up in my heart on that day or really any days of the last month or two. I’ve fallen behind on blogging publicly, but I have been writing for myself. I’ve been writing prayers and hopes and dreams in communion with my Savior who offers no judgment — only guidance and discernment dished out by a loving Father. I’m lapping it up in the secret spaces, so thankful for the moments that are all mine. My time with Him doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s or have to be perfectly filtered and framed to be precious. I don’t even have to share it because there’s always enough of Him to go around.

I’ve realized I have little to offer this internet world and all that can be said has likely already been said. But little is much in God’s kingdom, so I think I’ll keep coming back. I’ll share with you bits and pieces of what happens in the secret, sacred spaces. And I’ll always encourage you to find Jesus each and every day in the moments you get to keep as your own. Seek out that secret, sacred time with Him and don’t accept any lousy substitute. And don’t share it all either. Keep some of that sacred goodness for yourself. It will keep you coming back for more.

 

The Truth I need Reminded of when I’m just too Tired

Five Minute Friday: TIRED

I’m tired of inviting people to church who never come and sharing the Gospel with those who seem like they will never accept it.

I’m tired of giving my time and energy to preparing meals for children who say “eww” when I set it on the table — I know, we are working on that.

I’m tired of not feeling seen by my husband when I’m in over my head in a million different ways.

I’m just tired. Aren’t you?

Photo by Krista McPhee on Unsplash

Recently, I have been reading None Like Him by Jen Wilkin which outlines all the ways God is different than us and why that’s actually a really good thing. It has been so humbling for me to see in Him the abundant fulfillment of all my shortcomings. It is empowering to know that I am lifted above all my failures by the One who has not failed once. When I’m stressed by deadlines or timelines, He holds it all together unbound by time.

One way God is most definitely NOT like me is he doesn’t grow tired — EVER. He doesn’t get tired of my constant striving for perfection, endless complaints, and utter inability to remember anything for more than two seconds (I’m not kidding, my friend wished for me to receive brain power from the Lord for my birthday!). He rested when He was finished with Creation but not because He needed to; he rested to show us a pattern of how we ought to live. How humbling it is to need rest and time away form the affairs of life and the anxieties they bring! What a great gift it is that the Lord grants me that rest in the form of sleep, communion with Him, and moments of peace and prayer scattered throughout my day.

This need for rest shows me how much I’m not like God and how much I need Him. I’m literally going to sleep for a third of my life and rest another sizable fraction of it. And all that time, I have to trust that God is in control because He is. Because He is not bound by time, His power is unlimited, and He is not even capable of turning His back on me for even a moment.

He doesn’t need me because He doesn’t need anything. Yet, He loves me. He provides for me, and He walks with me as I stumble through this life of mine. And when my strength doesn’t feel like enough to meet the needs of the day ahead, I can smile because I know it’s not supposed to. I am made to tire out. I am made to need God and to rest in His provision.

Linking up with: Five Minute Friday

I Need to be Needy

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This world’s cry is loud. This world’s cry is power, but the cry of my heart screams louder.

The world says, “I am woman — hear me roar.” My Creator who loves me with unmatched intensity whispers to my soul, “You are weak, dear one. You need me.” The stark difference is clearly seen, and Lord knows I know the truth. But some days, I crave the world’s message. Insecurity gives way to an injection of self-sufficiency when I’m barely floating above my deepest fears.

It says, “I don’t need a man.” In a sense, it’s true — I don’t need a man. I need a God-man. I need Him every day and every hour. When I think I don’t need Him, that’s when I need Him most. The world tells me lies sweet to my ears but poison to my soul. My God whispers sweet somethings of truth which sweep me up in an unending romance. Miracle of all, in the admitting of my need, I am empowered to do all the things. Perhaps my greatest need of all is to be needy.

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Linking up: Five Minute Friday

 

Accepting Myself in Light of the Cross

“In Christ, there is nothing I can do that would make You love me more, and nothing I have done that makes You love me less.”
-JD Greear, The Gospel Prayer

I’ve accepted the gift of Christ, the payment for my sins on the Cross. Yet, day in and day out, I fail to accept myself — His reward for spilled blood. There’s this little thing in me that whispers I’m not good enough or I haven’t done enough. In short, though rarely uttered in quite this way, I’m not worthy. So, I try to prove myself with what I do for Him each day. Each day, I make mistakes, I drop the ball, I disappoint myself. I believe, too, that God must be disappointed in me. While I know I believe this in error, this thought sticks around and keeps me from fully resting in the finished work of the Cross.

I try to control the circumstances of my days to stack the deck for accomplishment or fulfillment. In all honesty, I’m not sure what I’m after because I’ve yet to attain it. There is only dissatisfaction in the hustle of trying to prove myself worthy. It is a futile attempt. I’m not, nor will I ever be, worthy of the work of the Cross. Even so, it has been completed already. It is finished. I am fully loved and completely accepted by the perfect risen Lord. I am covered by the blood of the Lamb. I am not validated by a check-marked to-do list because I have victory in Jesus. At least today –this morning or just this moment– I claim this victory.

The following comes from a post on my Facebook page:

The act of the Cross was a one-time act. Jesus said, “It is finished.” It is in the past. But that past act frees us from bondage to sin today. It frees us from pressure to perform, to earn, to please. The Love that bore our sin on the Cross burns as strong today, and the power that conquered the grave works in and through believers.

But, if we’re honest, sometimes the Cross seems far away. Sometimes, it may even seem a little impersonal. God forbid we believe this lie given to us by the world He died to save us from! The Cross was for you. It was for me. It is finished. We can rest. We are free.

Grace and peace for this day and every day.

Grace be to you and peace from God the Father, and from our Lord Jesus Christ, Who gave himself for our sins, that he might deliver us from this present evil world, according to the will of God and our Father: (Galatians 1:3-4).

If I truly accept the truth of the gospel, I must accept myself as a child of God and heir to his righteousness. If I shame myself, I shame the Cross by saying it wasn’t enough. Rather, I must rest in the finished work, never trying to prove myself to Him. Walking in communion, He will lead me into good work for His glory. When it’s done, I’ll know he doesn’t love me more because of it since He can’t love me more than He already does. The sweetest part of the gospel is that’s just impossible. While I’ll never truly be worthy, I can walk worthy because I know whose I am.

That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness; Giving thanks unto the Father, which hath made us meet to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light:  (Colossians 1:10-12).

How have you learned to accept yourself in light of the Gospel?

Talk to me in the comment section below!

 

Linking up: Five Minute Friday