Ezra’s Story: Part One

Not sure how much time or how many posts this will take, or if my heart can handle sharing his story in full, but I wanted to chronicle Ezra’s short life in remembrance of our precious son.

I found out I was pregnant on January 11, 2013. I took a test while Paul was working at the church, but I wasn’t convinced.I was supposed to meet him there later for a surprise birthday party for one of our dear friends, Trent Cornwell. I stopped on the way to get another test, and I secretly confirmed my pregnancy in the bathroom of Vision Baptist Church!

I pulled Paul into the nursery at Vision, telling him I had something to show him (the positive test). He must have had a suspicion because he said, “No way! There is no way!” We were both shocked but so so happy. He held me as I cried happy tears. We were so thrilled to be having a little brother/sister to give to Jo!

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The pregnancy was a little rough in terms of sickness as we traveled, but the Lord saw me through it, and it lessened up a bit in the second trimester. I did not gain weight as I had in my previous pregnancy, and I did not feel much movement from our little peanut. I was told that this was all normal and not to worry about it. I tried my best.

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We were in a car accident on April 11. I was so happy when we we were assured that our precious baby was OK after the accident. We followed up with my OB just a few days later where they confirmed the same.

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However, within a week of that appointment, something changed. I did not know it but my sweet baby’s health was failing inside of me. I don’t know if it was slow or instantaneous, but our precious baby’s life ended around 17 weeks gestational age.

I would carry our child for 4 more weeks before we had our “big ultrasound.” We were so excited to find out if our little peanut was going to be a boy or a girl! I even put a poll out on Facebook for votes. Last time I checked, girl was in the lead.

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I didn’t have a suspicion about the gender, as I did last time with Jo, but I did hope for a boy! We patiently waited for the ultrasound technician to reveal the news to us! However, as I looked at her face as she made measurements, I could tell we had more important things to talk about. I looked at Paul, hoping I was reading too much into the look on her face, and that we would receive our good news soon.

But the next thing out of her mouth was, “I’m so sorry. I don’t see a heartbeat.” My heart felt like it fell into my stomach as she left to go get a doctor. We spent a few minutes crying and praying, not sure of what was going on, but trusting in the Lord to see us through it.

Our doctor was not there, but another doctor, Dr. Killingsworth came in to discuss things with us. She was very sweet and compassionate as she informed us that our baby had stopped growing and no longer had a heartbeat. She explained that because the baby had been dead for a few weeks, it was best to deliver as soon as possible. She eventually called my primary doctor, Dr. Middleton who I talked to for a few minutes about our options.

I opted to deliver our baby rather than to have a surgery. Though the surgery would be quicker, there were some risks of damage to my uterus that would effect future pregnancies. 2 of the 3 doctors at the practice that performed this kind of surgery refused to do it after 15 weeks gestational age. Also, if we opted for surgery, we would not be able to see our baby, nor would we find out the gender. Paul and I agreed that though the delivery would be more difficult and more painful, it was the right thing to do to honor our baby and encourage our family. We wanted to see our sweet baby’s face and get to hold him/her for as long as we possibly could!

We spent an extended time in an exam room waiting to see what we needed to do next. We spent many moments in silence and in prayer, and Paul encouraged me to “let my emotions out”, but every time I did he would try to fix it (oh, my sweet husband!). We watched videos of Jolynn on my phone to pass the time and lift our spirits. I’m sure everyone outside was wondering what we could possibly be laughing about!

Dr. Killingsworth performed some procedures to prep my body for an early delivery. We headed home to gather our things, to kiss Jolynn, and head to the Northside Hospital in Atlanta to deliver our tiny baby. We stopped at Buffalo Wild Wings to just spend some “normal” time together before the painful process began. The meal was spent mostly in silence but we enjoyed the time spent together and made a few decisions about the days ahead.

I kept repeating aloud, “God is still good.” He never changes, He knows that we are hurting, and He knows what is best for our family. I will keep telling myself this because while I do know it is true, I am not always able to believe it with a broken heart.

30 Comments

  1. stephaniecornwell

    As I read this in tears, my heart hurts so deeply for you. Thanking God for the grace he is giving you. Thanking God for little Ezra’s life, I know it was short but a huge way to give glory to God when things are really really really hard. So proud to call you my friend.

  2. June Bales

    Paul and Amber I learned to love you all dearly at the misson conference and pray for you daily I don’t always understand God’s ways but I do know He has a plan for each of us Love you all

  3. Jill Daves

    Amber,
    We met at New life baptist in Dalton during our missions revival in march. I was heartbroken to hear the news about your baby. Praying for you and your sweet family. Wanted to share this song that has meant a lot to me lately in some areas of my own life that have been painful.
    http://youtu.be/F8jilr8qsYU

  4. Mark Curtis

    Amber, I know that you and Paul know how much Joyce and I love you and your family! We are praying for you both! God is good, He is still on the thrown and he always blesses his faithful servents. Your story so far speaks to your faith in difficult times. God will see you through. There is coming a time when we will see our babies in the loving hand of the Father and we will glory in His presence!

  5. Katie Grasty

    Amber, I am soo sorry to hear this! I met you in Kingsport, TN at their missions conference. It is so hard to understand God’s ways sometimes, but I try to remind myself that He knows my future and I don’t. He has a purpose and a plan for this in you and your family’s life. I will be praying for you all!!

  6. Iris Schultz

    Thank you for sharing your story. I had tears as I read it. Yet we know the He has a plan for us and holds our future. Praying for all as you rest in the loving, caring arms of our Lord and Saviour.

  7. Praying for you and Paul as you continue to heal. I’m not even sure how to express my feelings for your loss right now. You have been on my mind constantly. None of us will ever completely understand the lords working, but we know he is sovereign. Praise The Lord we have peace that passes all understanding. He is so good. Love you all and praise The Lord for Ezra’s sweet life that has already brought glory to Him.

  8. Ed Clifford

    Amber, we are so sorry. You are right, GOD is always good no matter what happens in our lives. We love your family and will always pray for you and Paul. Love in Christ,
    Bro. Ed Clifford

  9. Dianne Martin

    Amber, I was so sorry to hear of your loss. Elizabeth told me about your accident but told me later that everything was okay with you and the baby. I was saddens and shocked to hear the results but so glad to hear that you were able to say goodbye to your little boy but just for a little while. I will keep you and your husband and family in my prayers.

  10. James Winters

    Dear Amber and Paul: We are praying for you both as God proves Himself to you through this time in your lives. May I give you a couple scriptures that have been a blessing in my life…JEREMIAH 29:11; PROVERBS 3;5-6; ISAIAH 26:3-4; LAMENTATIONS 3:21-24; JAMES 1:19. God bless you, and we love you.

  11. leah gross

    amber im so sorry to hear about ur lose….my heart goes out to you and ur family in ur time of need but i do however think what you are doing with sharing ur childs story is so brave an also so inspiring for others who could relate…..i will continue to pray for u im here for you anytime….god bless you!

  12. Evelyn Gryseels Wimberley

    As I read this Amber it brought back so many memories of my little Benjamin that I lost in 1990…..praying for you every moment of the way…..thank you for sharing as it helps others who have lost babies in pregnancy…God is good all the time.

  13. Connie ayers

    So sorry this had to happen. We don’t understand God’s will many times, but we do know you have a son waiting for you in heaven. Sending many prayers your way.

  14. Monica Gross

    Oh, Amber, I am praying for you and your family. I work at a maternity center and unfortunately see situations like yours. I will never stop being amazed at the difference that is visible in those who have the Lord. You see even though you are hurting inside you exhibit His grace and peace through your words and actions. Through your pain you are bringing glory to the Father, though Ezra short life he too will point others to God’s amazing peace and love. Doctors, nurses, friends of friends, other suffering moms who stumble upon your blog or hear about your story and sense a difference. There will be something that they can’t understand, the peace that fills your words and the underlying joy you have from knowing beyond a shadow of doubt that you will hold your little boy, chase him down golden streets, and sing praises with him to his Creator, who is and always will remain good! Thank you for sharing Ezra’s story. I look forward to your next post and even more to one day meeting him in Heaven and hearing about the harvest from all the seeds his short story and sweet mama planted! What a wonderful day that will be!!

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