Due Date Disappointment

Well, it’s here: My due date. The day I would have said my first “hello” to my sweet little boy had I not said “goodbye” to him on May 15.

I shared with a sweet friend who implored about my feelings on the matter that I am surprised that the overriding emotion is not grief, sadness, or anger, but rather disappointment. I had expectations that were not and will not be met.

I expected to have a smooth, uneventful pregnancy but had a high-risk pregnancy that went undetected.
I expected to bond with my baby, feeling him wiggle and maneuver inside of me, but I felt a phantom kick just one time.
I expected to take beautiful maternity pictures around 30 weeks of pregnancy, but I had family pictures with a not-so-round belly home to a lifeless child.
I expected to celebrate a gender reveal with my family on May 14, but I called to share the news of the loss and we gathered instead to mourn.
I expected to have my family gathered together again at Northside Hospital to welcome our precious gift, but we are spending time together in Ohio unsure of how to pass the time without dwelling on the significance of the day.
I expected to give birth to a healthy, beautiful bundle of joy on September 23, but I’m holding just a memory of his tiny, frail body.
I expected to embrace my healthy baby with exhausted yet unadulterated joy, but instead I embrace family and friends who help us deal with the disappointment.

I never expected to bury a child before my 24th birthday, but that’s exactly what I did.

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Disappointed I am, but defeated I am not. I expect today to be a pleasant, meaningful day. because I am a child of the King who loves me and gave Himself for me. He has a plan in all that happens in my life, and I expect the end result to be wonderful even as there are disappointments along the way.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end (Jeremiah 29:11).

Mommy loves you, Ezra.

9 Comments

  1. Amy

    I have been praying for you all week, especially today. I know you are very disappointed. I wish I was frantically updating my facebook waiting for pictures of Ezra’s appearance but one day I will meet this little guy, it has made heaven even sweeter for me. Love you Amber, you have taught me so much through this.

    • Amy, I am truly thankful for our friendship and for the role you have played in my spiritual growth since moving down to Georgia. If this had happened a few years ago, I think I would have spiraled out of control and don’t know where we would be today. Thank you for investing in my life and loving me through everything…even though it feels we are worlds apart right now, the Lord has knit our hearts together. You are very precious to me. Love you!

  2. Amanda

    Praying for you and your family during this difficult time. I am so sorry for your loss. But I am so thankful for a Savior that heals broken hearts and draws them to HImself. You and your family are a blessing to many!

  3. Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words and, above all, prayers lifted up to the Lord on my behalf. We had a wonderful day with family and were really able to feel the peace of the Lord…and it really did blow my mind!

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